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Hospital Anecdotes: The Vagoo Chronicles

21 Oct 2011, Posted by Rob Thurman in Blog, Rob Thurman's Twitter

Most of my Reavers have heard by now how I woke up in the hospital to a nurse’s aide reading Twilight to me. Twilight. My first thought was this isn’t a hospital, this is HELL. The second psyche-damaging event being all my nurse’s aides watched reality TV 24/7. Dance Moms (obviously demons in human form), one in which people caught rattlesnakes for a living, one about a tattoo artist with a LOT of Nazi ink on her body…it was a white trash buffet. Yep, those were bad times.

Here’s another lovely experience, this time for the medical personnel (not counting the male nurse I kicked in the chest.) They had me on so many drugs to sedate me when I was on the ventilator and then when I was off the ventilator but on dialysis (as I kept ripping out my IVs and dialysis port) that I hallucinated for all but six days of the 3 1/2 week stay ($95,000 hospital bill for those who think they don’t need insurance. Yes, you didn’t misread–$95,000.) During one of these episodes I hallucinated a man stole my identity, was dressing up as a woman and going to Conventions doing book signings as me. And all the nurses were whispering that I was the man (in a wig) and the identity thief was really me. What could I do? One thing…so apparently I insisted to every single person that walked in the room that they lift up my hospital gown and see for themselves I was a woman, vagoo and all (worse, I wasn’t with it enough to charge a dollar a peek if anyone took me up on it.) Now there are probably fifty traumatized people roaming the city that I tried to entice to take a look at my goodies whether they wanted to or not. This is why I heavily fictionalize bedside hospital scenes. If Cal did that, how angsty would it be?

Although, Goodfellow would do it and the hell with the angst.

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  • Mk

    I know you were horrified that someone was running around pretending to be you but OMG that is ROFLMAO funny. I’ve been so worried about you and then you wrote the Vagoo memoirs. I am still chuckling while the dogs look at me like I’ve completely lost it. I just want to know how much money you made! LOL

    I’ve heard of people doing more bizarre things than that when they come out of comas – and most of it would not classify as something that could be done in “polite society.” Evidently inhibitions are the first thing to go, as you so aptly demonstrated. LOL

    BTW: I would have done more than kick someone in the chest if I’d been forced to watch reality TV 24/7. That is like being in the lower depths of hell…and should qualify as severe psychological trauma, if the hospital bill didn’t.

    Hopefully you got some interesting book ideas out of all this. More than anything else I really hope your physical therapy is coming along well and that you’re feeling more like yourself these days. I think your Vagoo memoirs above demonstrate that you haven’t lost your sense of humor.

    Hang in there!
    Mk
    @PopcornReads

  • Spiffy

    When my best friends dad had a terrible concussion he kept saying his name was JC Penny and/or TJ Whiskey. I believe hospitals are portals that suck you’re sanity into an alternate dimension. That’s why I take my gummy vitamins.

  • samantha

    goodfellow would do it without being in a hospital. kinda distrubing but true never the less. im glad ur feeling better now tho. ^.^

  • Leigh Ann Wallace

    Watching Reality T.V. is like someone sticking something really sharp in your ear and twisting it. I can’t even stay in the room while it’s on. Just as bad as soap operas or wrestling.

  • Deidre

    This officially made my week! 😀
    Unfortunately, the situation was not funny at the time I am sure.
    Poor Rob and her horrible hallucinations.
    And it goes to show that I don’t feel bad for those that might have peeked. (;
    Haha!
    You had so much going on at the time (on top of all the drugs) it’s not surprising you were hallucinating at all!
    And I am sure everyone realized this, and took it onto consideration while you yelled at them to “check”. HAH.
    Anyway, wtf is up with that nurses aide?! I seriously didn’t even know they read to people, which I personally now find nice, but WHY Twilight? Ack.
    THAT’s traumatization right there! D:
    dmlr.

  • Cal's_Girl

    poor rob! you have my sympathy and prayers that you get over the tragedy that is twilight! Much love and I’m anxiously waiting March!

  • Jayda

    Damn, and not a single penny for the peaks? Why didn’t mom at LEAST set up an empty guitar case with a sign on it by your bed, or something? 😉

  • erinf1

    OH… it’s so sad, but funny! As medical personnel formerly of an adult hospital (I work for a children’s hospital now so the flashing isn’t as traumatic), let me tell you that you probably brightened their day a smidge. Not to say that your condition made them laugh but that it was out of the ordinary and not the coma rage that some people display. I’d pick a flasher over coma rage any day and I’d be gracious enough to chase anyone off who’d take you up on your offer 🙂

  • Kitana

    (Curls up in a ball and wheezes with laughter)

  • Jadesfires

    I think that if Cal didn’t come up with that in his own drug-induced state, then Goodfellow would be more than happy to make the suggestion for him to every person who even walked by the door and then smile smugly as he charged them an outrageous amount of money for a peek, while good big brother Niko guards the bedside with his katana and threatens to use it on anyone who makes a grab at the sheet. But only because Cal was drugged; when sober, he’s on his own.

    And then, after being released from the hospital, Goodfellow would revel in regaling the humiliating events nonstop to poor Cal, who would be alternately trying to hide under his pillow in mortification and trying to stab him with a fork that he’s been hiding under said pillow for emergencies. All the while, Goodfellow compares Cal’s goodies with his own self-proclaimed magnificence with a smirk on his face, and Cal never sees one red cent of the profits.

  • Kim

    Rob Rob Rob… you are the captain of the good ship KickAss and I salute you!

    And if we’re going to see anyone’s goodies in upcoming books, can they be Niko’s, please? Pretty pretty please? *bats lashes*

    • Jayda

      I’m with Kim on seeing Niko’s nibble-ables should he wind up in the hospital sometime down the road. 😀

  • B.E Sanderson

    Wow, and I thought I had a crappy hospital stay. I just had one nurse tell me to quit being a baby when I asked for pain meds, and a male nurse kiss me on the elevator on the way to therapy. I think I would’ve tried to beat the nurses to death with my walker if they’d subjected me to Dance Moms.

    I’m so glad you’re doing better, Rob.

  • Alicia Miller

    LOL try giving birth in a teaching hospital with a 2 day labor! Two different shifts of med students/interns all trooped through the room and had a feel of my cervix – daily. My water broke with a perfect stranger up to what felt like his elbow inside of me… Then they watched the changing of the sheets.

    THEN I had an emergency C-section where they put my guts on my chest – poor hubby right there watching, along with several other observers. – At the same time I was telling them if everyone else got to see my damn guts why didn’t they hold up a mirror so I could see too, it was only fair. They didn’t listen.

    I think hospitals intentionally humiliate their patients to try and drive them away sooner.

  • DisappearingInq

    Well, at least now you have definitive proof that Twilight makes you want to beat someone to death. Look! It woke you out of a coma the urge was so strong! Maybe that was their plan all along?

    And if it was Cal…it would be the only time he was ever goofy in his life. Personally, I think it would be kind of funny to have Niko or Robin witness it since it would be a once in a lifetime event. Especially since he wasn’t even cuddly or nice when he lost his memory.

  • TDoc

    I think Robin running drugged through a hospital with his butt hanging out the back of his gown and Cal chasing him, would be fn hysterical.

  • Mad_Bonnie

    lmao – I have a feeling your next character who winds up in a hospital is going to have quite the psychedelic experience. And if it’s Niko, Cal will have a chance to earn a little spending money. *evil grin*

    I had surgery in the spring. No hallucinations, sadly. I just accused my doctor of using power tools when I came out from under the anesthesia.

  • Leigh Evans

    Laughing with you here. Okay, the only way to live this down is to decide that half of them were pre-warned about flasher-chick, and closed their eyes in a timely fashion:-) Glad you made it through.

  • Twinchy

    ROFLMAO! Sorry, I shouldn’t laugh…
    Yet, you really ought to write a book about these hospital experiences as well, Rob.

    And you are right, Goodfellow’d do that sort of thing for sure – even if not drugged. hehe