| Rob Thurman’s Blog Timeshare: Cheap & Filthy [Part 4]



Rob Thurman’s Blog Timeshare: Cheap & Filthy [Part 4]

11 Aug 2011, Posted by Calvin F. Krueger in Appearances, Blog, Extras, Fun, News, Rob Thurman's Twitter, The Cal Leandros Novels, The Chimera Novels
The Official CAL LEANDROS Series Video

Cal: He’d given me a bigger bratwurst, he wasn’t afraid of me, he actually was excited I was a monster. I’d almost grown not to loathe him…which for me is willing to die for someone. Now I changed my mind.

“A waitress?” Misha repeated, looking at his bag full of C4 and my autograph as if suddenly the last one wasn’t as valuable as he thought.

“Hold on there, sugar. I have proof. Miss Terrwyn always backs up her word.” She gave him a bit of a smile. I had a feeling it was something most ladies did—part of the genetic experimentation. You just wanted to like the kid. Even if he didn’t deserve it.

Waitress. Like that had been my fault.

Miss Terrwyn held up a framed picture of me getting my ass pinched by a ninety year old lady while I carryied two whole pies, one in each hand. I was scowling and wearing a red and white gingham apron. Labeled at the bottom of the picture was WORST EMPLOYEE OF THE DECADE.

“Decade?” I immediately protested. “I was only there for like four days.”

“And based on those four days I know what I know,” she shook her finger at me, “and the good Lord will back me up on that. Mmm Hmmm.”

“That picture is more frightening than any movie creature I’d ever seen. A waitress in an apron with ruffles?” Misha scooted his chair further away when we both sat back down. “You are the most horrifying monster around. What repels you? Crossed butter knives? A buckshot of Sweet-n-Low? A napkin folded like a swan? Apple pie without the ala mode?

“Okay, I get the annoying part,” I snarled at him while speaking politely to Miss Terrwyn. Anyone would be an idiot not to speak politely to Miss Terrwyn. “But why are we here? We don’t need to learn to cut back on annoying each other. We didn’t know each other until we were brought together.” I then hissed low beyond Miss Terrwyn’s hearing. “I could kill you in a second.”

“Masses and masses of issues,” he yawned, hiding the words from Miss Terrwyn behind my hand. “I can kill you in less than a second, but I won’t. I don’t like to kill…but I could make your newly enhanced penis…I mean, dick fall off. Completely. Then melt. No sewing it back on.”

I straightened in my chair, cupping myself protectively. “So…um…yeah, Miss Terrwyn. I mean, yes, ma’am, Miss Terrwyn. Like I was saying, could you tell us why we’re here? Who are we annoying?

She rolled your eyes. “Saddest two idiots I ever come across. Who brung your useless selves here? Your brothers. Neither one can get mental health insurance, so they called me in. Because, boys, there ain’t no one, including Freud himself, going to straighten you out like I will.”

“We…well, I don’t annoy my brother,” Misha said promptly. “He rescued me ten years after I was kidnapped. He never gave up. He throws himself in front of me to take a bullet at least once a week. To save my life, he’s killed at least….” He started counting on his fingers, pulled a calculator from his pocket, and then sighed. “Limited microchip. He’s very protective. We are family. All we have. Of course I don’t annoy him.”

Miss Terrwyn put on a pair of reading glasses and thumped down a book as big as the NYC phone book. Opening it, she ran a finger along a page and asked with a flinty glare over the rims of the glasses, “Did your pet ferret bite him over fifty times while you did not correct its behavior? Did you cause a tourist slash assassin to vomit all over the street, alerting him to who and what you are? Did this cause you and your brother to flee town, while burning down the only home you’d ever known to cover up evidence of your DNA? Did you build pipe bombs in your garage and blow it up, Lord, Lord, Lord? Did you start a mari-ju-ana ring just to have an excuse to buy a plane from very bad people by posing as a drug dealer? Did you learn to fly the plane by watching videos on the internet and then crash that plane almost cracking your brother’s skull? And did all that happen in less than one day?”

Misha whipped out a Bberry and looked up something with lightning fast finger-strokes. “Ah. Convenient.” He put it away. “I invoke the Fifth Amendment which states that I cannot be forced to incriminate myself. And it was forty-eight times, not fifty. My brother was in the Russian Mob, you know. They lie quite often.”

“And you did not carry on a relationship with a genetically mutated sociopathic assassin chicky-chicky named Ariel, although you knew she was a genetically mutated sociopathic assassin chicky-chicky?”

He leaned in my direction. “She was hot. Really hot. With pink hair and a mermaid tattoo.”

Before I could say I had no room to talk, Miss Terrwyn dangled that red and white checked apron from one hand and said, “Tell the truth, boy, or I’ll put this on you and you won’t like it.”

I swallowed hard. Once Miss Terrwyn threatened to cut off my dick if she thought I was full of lust and wickedness. I scraped through on the lust. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Did you manage to get yourself possessed and try to kill your brother, Niko? Do you never do your laundry? Do you regularly kill the patrons of the bar where you work? Sometimes accidentally as you’re dumb as box of hair? Did you threaten to cut the nose off a gypsy? Did you try to cut the nose off a gypsy? Did you turn loose several undead mummified cats loose in your friend’s condo? Did you make your own brother stab you to save the world? Did you get a bite taken out of you by a supernatural cannibal causing your brother anguish? Did you set off a nuclear bomb in an alternate dimension causing OSHA anguish? Did you get amnesia causing your brother anguish? Did you date a psychopathic white werewolf named Delilah and cover your black clothes with white fur causing your brother massive amounts of money for crates of de-linters? And, child, that would cause anyone anguish. Did you attempt to take a fork and stab….”

“Enough,” I slid down in the chair. “Yeah, yeah. I did all those things and more. I’m annoying. I get it. Nik has every right to send me here.” I was miserable and guilty and I deserved worse than this.

Until Misha leaned over again and patted me on the shoulder. “I gave thirteen or so kids younger than me lobotomies, killed a federal agent, and made my brother’s best friend impotent for a week.” He grinned, cheerful and happy. “And I’m just getting started.”

Huh. Maybe I wasn’t so bad after all.

To Be Continued…

Did you like this? Share it:
  • Traveler70

    The real question is who wins in a brawl? XD I’m thinking if it is between Stefan and Niko that Niko would win (sorry Stefan!) I just don’t know about Cal and Misha though… I guess we’ll never know since they are getting all chummy awwww. Niko and Stefan will really have a problem if this backfires and the two brats become best friends! Let the mischief begin! These two would be like Fred and George but more wicked 🙂

    • Dawn C

      In a fight Niko would beat Stefan, as awesome as he is. But I think Misha would win against Cal simply because of what he can do. But if he lost his powers and they fought hand to hand…Misha might still win. -lol

      • Rob Thurman


        Haven’t read the ending of Basilisk yet, have you? In fact I think most people missed it. Misha isn’t a chimera anymore. He’s a basilisk like Wendy. He doesn’t have to touch anymore. It’s easier if he does, but in dire circumstances he can kill your ass just by looking at you.

    • Nohbdy

      I agree that Niko would win in a fight against Stefan–after all he is a super ass-kicking ninja with fabulous abs. I don’t know about Cal and Misha though. Probably Cal if he could use his gates before Misha could touch him, but he would have to be quick about it….but then again, half a second is all he needs (insert Cal’s evil laugh here)….

      But what about Salome and Godzilla? Salome’s got the undead advantage but Godzilla might give her a run for her money for pure maniacal evil.

      • Rob Thurman

        If you don’t think Stefan has an AMAZING body, then you never watched the Chimera book video on this site. One scene shows him head to toe, unfortunately clothed, but DAMN. And Salome and Godzilla are soulmates. She’d leave Spartacus for him (actually Spartacus wishes she’d leave him for Godzilla.)

    • Rob Thurman

      I imagine Stefan would steal a car and drive away from a crazy man dressed all in black in Miami chasing after him with a katana. Stefan’s a good guy. He doesn’t want to kill anyone who’s obviously nuts. :>

  • Cal's_Girl

    I can totally see Miss Terrawyn not falling for Misha’s “Sweet and innocent” routine. I see red and white checkered aprons in both the boys futures!

  • Sarah M

    This has seriously cracked me up…. I wondered how things would fare if Misha & Cal crossed paths…. LOVE that it’s an AAA intervention…. LMAO….

  • Mad_Bonnie

    I love Miss Terrwyn! And she could give some real mothering (grandmothering?) to a couple of boys who could really use it. lol

  • Chys

    –Neither one can get mental health insurance, so they called me in. Because, boys, there ain’t no one, including Freud himself, going to straighten you out like I will.”

    -I bet a certain Puck would agree, having known Freud. (Though I can picture Robin taking an opportunity to annoy the hell out of a certain pair of older brothers at the moment. Can’t get a moment’s rest, heh.)

  • xXLupaXx

    Absolutely fantastic… There aren’t words for how happy Miss Terrwyn makes me! I love her character~!

  • Sharon

    Is Miss Terrwyn Trixa’s mother?

    • Rob Thurman

      She’d be a good guess, but you have to remember that Trixa is a shapeshifter form of trickster (not like pucks who are all identical.) She and her race don’t even appear human at all (hence why they can be Japanese kitsune-fox tricksters, Native American raven or coyote tricksters, or any shape they choose.) They actually are more of a shimmering cloud of a hundred colored lights–like a constellation caught in a whirl of cold October air or a lazy cyclone of fireflies in every vivid shade imaginable–which makes the physics of remaking your body much easier, especially if there’s a large size change from fox to bear). If you caught it in Grimrose Path you’d have heard Ishiah mentioning that fifty years ago when he last saw Trixa that she had straight black hair, brown skin, and light eyes the color of sea-glass. She was the coyote in the picture of her and Kimano on her dresser. While in human form recently, she’s discovered she likes this human body best of all she’s had…African-Japanese-Trickster-American. But she’s six thousand years old and one day may change her mind, but like her brother Kimano she usually always prefers dark skin and hair (with some red and bronze streaks thrown in this time.) Trixa’s mama has been every race of human on the planet in her day and as she’s a Trickster she could be 10,000 years and still be around around 30 human years. They don’t age as humans do. They live until their time is done and the fireflies scatter into the wind (to whatever Trickster afterlife they prefer. There are hundreds and thousands of paien afterlives.) So, long story short, while it would be cool if Miss Terrwyn was Trixa’s mama, she’s not. She won’t always be African in appearance…just as Kimano wasn’t. Kimano was fond of Hawaii and appeared Polynesian most of the time or as a shark Trickster. And Miss Terrwyn (along with her brother Llewellyn) are great enough characters to stand on their own and kick a Trickster or part-Auphe’s ass if they wanted. :> Short question, long answer=insomnia from painkillers from six hour dental procedure today.

  • Breanna

    This is pure gold.
    Also while I stand firm in the belief that Misha would annoy the shit out of Cal I’m starting to see how they could get along. However Niko and Stefan are clearly soul mates. I’d pay to read about that bromance.

    • Rob Thurman

      Any man can overcome annoyance with anyone who can deliver what spam can’t…a bigger dick. Plus, being genetically engineered to avoid suspicion, get close to the target for assassination, chimeras are also engineered with extra strong ‘non-threatening’ pheromones. ‘Like me, I’m your friend’ pheromones…which is one reason little old ladies won’t stop trying to feed Misha cookies and pinching his ass with their wrinkly little fingers. 🙂 Add to that a half-Auphe’s highly enhanced sense of smell….but mainly it’s the gift of a bigger dick. Men will be men. :>

  • Suz

    Why can I see Niko and Stefan off doing their bonding over green tea and vodka in the park, lamenting their lots as older brothers of the perpetually annoying?

    This, THIS is fantastic. 😀 Muse fiction from an awesome author. This is great. XD I can’t wait to see what happens next!

  • Gnine

    Hehehe, I love that it’s sorta a “Most annoying’ contest., and they’ve both got good reasons to win…but while Cal is guilting over it (cause, well, it’s Niko he’s annoying…d’aww brothers), Misha is all PROUD…oh Misha! ^___^ I do love them both ever so much!

    • Rob Thurman

      There’s no angsting for Misha. Why take the time to angst over something that was done *to* you, that you had no control over, and there are so many things left in the state to blow up? A drug ring to sell? And upcoming conventions offering the opportunity to brush up against thousands of Republicans and sterilize them? Evolution is everyone’s job and Misha is ready to do his part.

      • Chys

        Wow, I think I need to adopt that philosophy. Don’t angst over it if you have no control over it. Hm. Good advice! Now if I could only do the blowing things up part for the stress relief…

  • BKwordnerd

    I REALLY want to see Niko and Stefan having a similar conversation. This is too funny!

    And when is Trixa going to show up?

    • Rob Thurman

      Trixa, unlike her mother, has a huge problem with Auphe of any sort (having once almost been eaten by a few hundred)…even part Auphe. We have to work on her to change her prejudicial ways. She would try to do to Cal what she did to Solomon.

  • Anne V.

    I’m loving the bonding . I would just love to hear what Stephan and Nik are saying, most likely while they clean and discuss their various weaponry.

  • GingaNinja

    Let the little brother twerp-off begin…

  • Tim

    I can see Cal and Misha becoming fast friends. This is great!